Well, today sucks.

I'm not sure how to reconcile not getting the thing I've wanted most - since I was old enough to understand my own thoughts. Being a mom. (A wife and a mom, if I'm being honest ... but as men run away from me...) I thought it was hard watching everyone around me get married an have kids (especially hard when it was relatives ... why is that?). I thought it was hard getting older and worrying about the cycle - and time in a woman's life that she was most able to have children - and how I was swiftly approaching the "you won't be able to get pregnant, you're too old" phase. I had no idea how it would feel when the lady doctor asked me if my mother had early menopause -- asked because of my own cycle (and a bit of other information I'm not putting on here). All I can say is it sucks. I don't want to be the end of my line. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I'm really fucking pissed. Like wicked angry at the universe. Why can "everyone" (yes I do realize not everyone has that, but pretty much everyone who wants too - that I know - does) around me find love and have babies? Isn't that like, what life is about? TODAY FUCKING SUCKS!